My Surrender Moment

Walking in the darkness
I shiver against the cold
My life
So very, very alone
The alarm rings, rings
Loud in my head
I should not be here
This is not me
Yet I fight the urge to leave
Because here is better
Than there
Where
Everything fell apart
I tried to control my own life
But nothing ever went right
Betrayed by my family
It hurt
Left alone by my fairweather friends
They wanted me
Only when I was ‘fun’

But it hurt
And sometimes the pain showed
except no one likes a sad person
No one hears my silent screams
No one gets me
No one seems to understand
My demons locked inside
Became my only friends
So I left
I walked away
Better yet, I ran
From the hurt
The pain
The sorrow
I left the narrow path
And entered the scary land
Why me?
Why does everyone always leave?
What is so wrong about me?
I cry
I yell until my throat
Bleeds
And the loneliness
Overwhelms me
The voices,
The demons begin to whisper
“You are nothing”
“No one wants you”
“You are ugly”
“You are fat”
“No one wants you”
“Feel ashamed”
“Feel ashamed”
“Feel ashamed”
The terrible things I have done
Lock me in a cage.
“Nothing and no one could ever truly love someone like you”
The voices tell me their my friends,
And I listen.
“Drink this-you’ll forget”
“Take that-you are invincible”
“Throw up your food-you will stay beautiful and thin”
No!
Stop!
I can’t take it any longer!
I am suffocating!
So much death all around me

My baby
My family
My friends
Why was I left alive?
Why, terrible me?
I should not be.
The voice whispers
“Grab the knife”
I’m drunk
I hate everything
So why not?
“It’s quick and painless”
I drag it across my arm
Oh no!
I have never done this
And it’s deeper than I thought
Crimson red
Gushes out of my arm
I see my blood.
And suddenly remember
Jesus shed
Crimson red
So that I
Could live forever with Him.
What have I done?
Is it too late?
Lord I need you!
Forgive me,
I have sinned
So so much.
You are all that is right in my life
Father, please save me!

Finally, I see a light
In my dark world.
My cage of shame is destroyed
And You take away my pain.
You cradle my head on the bathroom floor
In Your arms, I am held tight.
Your tears hit my cheek
And it is then, that I realize
You have been with me
The entire time

You held my hand
You screamed my name
Through all the voices,
Through all the pain.
I was looking down and all around,
When I should have been looking up.
You kiss my wound
You wipe my tears
You fight off my demons.
No more cold
No more darkness
I am set free
You lift me up and tell me
Sweet daughter, I love you
Goodbye to temporary happiness,
I am filled with eternal joy
Because of Your truth
It gives meaning to my life
I am weak
But You are strong
And even though I fall
You promise to always pick me up.
Jesus Christ
By dying,
You have rescued me
Sovereign Father
Redeemer
Above all,
You are holy.
This is a little piece of my testimony that pushed me to finally surrender my life to Christ in February 2014. Written by God through me during a 2014 summer mission trip in Santa Cruz, CA.

My “He loved me at my darkest” tattoo covering my scar from the suicide attempt & my beautiful daughter, Isabelle.

God supernaturally saved me in that exact moment, not a minute too late. God knew then the beautiful life awaiting me right around the corner of all the darkness. Now I’m a mommy. Now I’m a wife. I’m a child of God. I’m a friend, daughter, aunt and sister. I’m somebody. And I’m loved. So are you!

 Don’t let the present troubles keep you stuck. There’s more to come. Don’t give up! 

——————————

Please reach out to someone if you or someone you know is depressed, anxious, has suicidal thoughts, or just feeling mentally overwhelmed. You are not alone. 

Don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: tel:1-800-273-8255

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