My Trunk

Faith Fight

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”    (Hebrews 11:1 NKJV)

Tired and embarrassed, I sat wringing my hands at a grimy school desk damp with Texas humidity in my new community college lecture room. It reeked of teenage angst. I was tired because I had just gotten back from a mission trip, and was not yet accustomed to the time change. And at 19 years old having lived on my own two years prior, I definitely was not used to the nonexistent sleeping schedule of my toddler sibling that I was now sharing a room with. Yes, I was tired.

I was embarrassed. I really messed up my academics the prior semester at the university I was attending and as a result my GPA dropped too low. Because of my own bad choices, academic probation forced me to attend this community college. I didn’t want to be there, but deep down I didn’t want to be in school at all. I wanted to be back in the mission field, doing what I could to further the kingdom of God. Yet I could hear the voices of influential figures from my adolescence commanding me to push my passions into the “elective” section of my life and seek a future that will gain me the most financial success and highest status. I listened to the wrong voices.

So there I sat, unhappy and unsure. I was taking a philosophy class because a close friend that I roomed with during my mission trip was majoring in philosophy and I thought it might be interesting to learn more. I remember the first day of class the professor attacked Christianity. He was an atheist and wanted to shame any of us who didn’t believe what he did. Ironic, isn’t it? My attention was grasped and my heart racing. I didn’t have an opportunity to speak up yet, but over the next few weeks God rolled out a red carpet for me to speak. One day the professor asked those of us who believed in Jesus to raise our hands. My hand shot up as I quickly looked around to see my other classmates uniting with me and Jesus. Except to my shock, only one other person hesitantly raise their hand. Immediately the professor argued that Christianity couldn’t be true because faith isn’t real and there is no evidence that God could be real via the five sense humans have. I remember so clearly his shrill voice, “Can you see God? No! Can you smell God? Can you hear Him? Can you feel Him? Can you taste God?” At his last question, scattered, immature laughter and comments washed over the room. Blood pounded in my ears. The professor smugly crossed his arms in self-absorbed triumph as he leaned against his desk and quickly inhaled in preparation of moving on to another topic. That was my cue.

“I can”, I said a little quietly but firm amidst the chatter.

“Excuse me?”, the professor asked looking at me incredulously. I’ll never forget his facial expression as it dropped in mock confusion, but the truthful fear that only I could see hidden behind pride in his beady eyes. “You can taste God?”, he asked with a creepy smile as the classroom laughed on with him.

“I can. Jesus is the bread of life, I can taste Him and never hunger again. You could too” The professor was not expecting that and I could see his mind reeling for some intelligent response. “I can see Him, He’s here right now.”, I went on while never breaking eye contact with him. “I can smell His sweet aroma on the wind. I can feel Him holding me in the night. I can hear Him speaking to me, we talk every day.”

You. talk to God?”, the professor’s emphasis on “you” and “God” was full of condescending doubt as he asked this final question with less humor and more hateful accusation. As if to say, “You of all people talk to the God of the universe?” His view of the Lord was so pitifully warped, and his lack of self-worth so deeply wounded. I looked at him with sorrow and responded gently, “Yes. I have faith in Jesus. And faith is enough evidence that God is real.” He looked at me a moment longer as though I was a math problem he couldn’t solve, and then he made some joke about my sanity and moved on.

He moved on, but something changed. Not just in me, but in him and in the classroom. As if I had broken through some small crack in his false truth facade. I saw several students regaining some of the confidence they had in their beliefs in Christ, though they didn’t express it outwardly. I could see the fire in their eyes for the same truth I proclaimed. I won’t lie to you, I did walk out of the class feeling like I was crazy.

I talk to God. Am I crazy? Did I really just tell fifty or more strangers, all staring at me, that I could taste God?! I am crazy. I’m weird and this is why I haven’t made friends yet. I’m out of my mind. Couldn’t You have caused an earthquake or something in the class room to prove my case, God?!

There was no glamorous ending to that semester in philosophy class. I actually ended up dropping the class because I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later and was totally wrecked in my first trimester sickness and fatigue. I never saw any fruition from the words I spoke boldly. But here’s what did happen. My faith grew! Though that professor did everything he could to destroy my faith in Christ, sharing my testimony actually increased my faith. And that’s enough.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”    (Hebrews 11:1 NKJV)

Faith is real, tangible substance for all that we hope for. Faith is the evidence that science demands. Sure, that sounds like nonsense to the logical mind, but the logical mind is nonsense.

“Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their own craftiness”;”                                        (1 Corin. 3:18-19 NKJV)

God reminded me of that encounter with a philosophy professor this morning because I’m currently experiencing God increasing my faith. Which I would even go so far to say that we always have an opportunity to let God increase our faith, however my eyes are more open to Him working right now than they ever have been. Not just within myself, but also in my life. My family has recently embarked on a journey to follow a dream that was sown in our hearts long ago, and it’s absolutely nerve-wracking. Or it was, until this morning when I remembered what all God has already done. That memory of His faithfulness, His love for us, was enough to cast out all fear.

“He has made His wonderful works to be remembered; The Lord is gracious and full of compassion.”                                                                                                                                      (Psalm 111:4 NKJV)

This was the word God led me to this morning. God has given us the power to remember. We live our lives in first person, we see memories from our eyes. But what if God wants us to start looking at our lives from His eyes? To remember our memories with the story He wrote down in His journal about us? Our memories become new. Our lives become new. It’s time to remember the Lord’s wonderful works, He made them to be remembered because there is power in remembering. But don’t let the power stop within your own heart change, share your testimony of God’s love and faithfulness with the world.

“And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to death.” (Revelation 12:11 NKJV)

I’ll leave you with that and a few thoughts to jot down…

Creative writing with in cracks of time [pull out your journal & pen]

Have you been washed with the Blood of the Lamb, Yeshua Jesus the Messiah?

If you haven’t received Jesus and want to, shoot me a reply at the bottom of this page and I can share with you how He has changed my life.

If you have received the Blood of Jesus then know that you have overcome the enemy, and write down times in your life where God showed up like a super hero to save the day.

Have you shared your testimony? Write down a few times where you did share your faith, and if you never have, write down moments where you felt like you could have. Ask God to show you how you can next time.

There are so many opportunities to share God’s wonderful works in your life. Social media, blogging, vlogging, checking out at the grocery store, etc. Pray for God to open moments for you to share your story, the one Jesus wrote for you, and step out in faith. God will do the rest! Not only do you depend on sharing your testimony for your own walk with God, but others need to hear your testimony to encourage them that they too can overcome the enemy!

Finally, re-read that last part of Revelation 12:11, “and they did not love their lives to death”.

What is God saying to you right now? Write it all down, God is speaking. Write. Remember.


Journey to the Center of Me

Where to begin? I have no elaborate words or visions to share. Though I have indeed had plenty of visions and revelation from the Lord, it’s all so overwhelmingly personal and recent that I’d rather keep them in the treasure chest of my own heart a little longer before I share.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I started reading “Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest” by Bonnie Gray last week. This journey truly has been an awakening of the soul and the first few days back into myself were not pretty. Memories resurfaced and past trauma was relived.

Merriam Webster’s definition of trauma:

“A very difficult or unpleasant experience that causes someone to have mental or emotional problems usually for a long time. medical : a serious injury to a person’s body.”

Trauma is so much more than merely an injury to the body, it can also be a lasting wound on the soul inflicted by words, abuse, experiences, people, self, and so on. Through many different traumatic experiences from childhood up, over the course of life my soul was slowly chipped away into a million little pieces. So many, that after surrendering my life to Jesus in 2014, I just shoved all my broken pieces to the side. I put my “new identity in Christ” label on the pile of rubbish that was my past, walked away, and over time almost went total amnesiac. Not realizing the rotting stems and flowering perverted truths that were springing up from my buried past. Let me just add this, we do become new creations in Christ, and I do not argue that truth. I am a new creation and have a new identity in Christ, but that offers me freedom from my past not stuffing it into a forgotten drawer. Being a new creation in Christ means every part of my mind, every cell in body, every broken piece of myself is intended to be touched by Christ and therefore made new. Needless to say over the course of reading this book, I have explored the depths of my pile of rubbish. Picking through the vast dirty, gut wrenching pieces of myself and every. single. time. Jesus looks at the same dusty, broken piece of me that I keep at arms length and yet He holds my broken piece like an infant, rocks me back and forth, and tells me He loves me..even there. Especially there.

As for the traumatic memories, the ones cutting so deep that I couldn’t even remember them, those the Lord gently brings to the surface of my mind. As I watch, feel, and completely experience these memories in the present time again, the anxiety weighs on me like an elephant sitting on my chest. Heart pounding. Throat constricting. Mind screaming for me to stop. I cry. I curl up in a ball. I feel it all deeply. And then something odd happens. The memory ends, and suddenly I see it replay again only this time Jesus is in my shoes. Jesus takes the words thrown at me, Jesus experiences the pain with me, Jesus receives all the trauma that I did. It feels wrong to watch Him, my perfect Jesus, be in these terrible places. But still He stays no matter how wrong it might feel or how much I wish He didn’t have to see this. He stays put, shows me the holes in His hands, and tells me,

“This is why. I died for this moment. I died to take this from you. I rose again and I want you raise up with me.”

And then the overwhelming reality of the true depths of Christ’s love for me totally shakes me to the core in every single one of those memories…Until finally I can feel warmth spreading. Beginning in my fast beating heart and radiating outward, towards my loosening chest like a knot being untied, releasing the breath I had been holding. Warming down my legs and arms, up my neck and anointing my mind like oil. I am being healed. Thank you, Jesus. I am really, genuinely being healed to the core of my soul. More than just loving me at my darkest, Jesus loves me. All of me, and all of the sudden that feels more real than it ever has before. As Gray puts it,

We are free to remember”

Through Jesus and the words of knowledge from Gray in this book, I finally feel the freedom to remember my past and not shut down or suppress. Freedom to look through my own memories and not fall into depression, bad coping mechanisms, isolation and shame. I can be all of me with Jesus, every broken part restored through His healing touch. And I believe this is the rest for my soul that I’ve needed all along.


I can not recommend this book I referenced “Finding Spiritual Whitespace” by Bonnie Gray enough. It’s worth the trek into finding the real you. Buy it here and begin your own journey to spiritual rest!

Now I would like to take a second and tell you all about an amazing organization that is playing a role in healing people world wide, Starling Box.

“a quarterly nonprofit box of ethical products made by human trafficking survivors and at-risk individuals”

Based in Los Angeles, this organization supports companies that hire human trafficking survivors to create ethical products which you would receive quarterly in your Starling Box, then they donate all of the proceeds to organizations that fight human trafficking. Finally, Starling Box raises awareness on the hard reality of human trafficking and encourage people to buy more ethically. Starling Box will launch their first subscriptions very soon, and you won’t want to miss this opportunity to make an impact! So go check them out via their blog, Instagram and their website!

Meaningless, meaningless

After a few weeks of walking through spiritual fog, I had had enough. I was still intimate with God, but I was growing weary of not being able to see where I was going. I knew what I was getting myself into when I stepped out onto the waters. That still didn’t change the fact that my flesh has been screaming at me to turn around and go back to where I came from.

Between alternating work schedules, recording/editing YouTube videos, ministry events, and just flat out financial dryness hindering date nights, my husband and I haven’t had much alone time. Which is why on Monday we talked non-stop as we drove two hours east to a family member’s home. That seemingly small moment we shared was like a crack in the sidewalk ruptured with grass and flowers. A bursting forth of who we really are and what we were always meant to be. Our children slept for the majority of the way and we totally flourished in the lengthy yet fleeting conversation. During that ‘selah’ moment, God highlighted our joint vision for our family and reminded us of the calling He has over our lives. We realized how distracted we had become in the day to day busyness. Those flourishing sidewalk cracks of rest allow the rebuilding of creativity, dreams, and visions to be started up again.

The next day I went to an evangelism class at our church on a whim. That in itself was a miracle to get the kids and myself there so randomly but also efficiently. Ten minutes into the class and my eyes welled with tears. The class was specifically on digital evangelism! It was all about tips and counsel for spreading the gospel of Jesus through social media and blogging. Talk about confirmation. That’s exactly what I am doing through this blog and my YouTube channel. Though the enemy will whisper to me that I’m not doing much, God says,

“Obedience over outcome”

It isn’t about the amount of likes or followers I receive, that’s the outcome that I am not intended to presume on (Proverbs 27:1). Obedience is simply me walking out the great commission to make disciples of all nations through whatever means possible and impossible (Matthew 28:18-20).

In all honesty, this season of life is odd for my family. Odd isn’t the best word, maybe…unfamiliar? Let me try putting it this way: We are walking in the promise land that we’ve been praying for, but at the same time, fighting to push out the enemies inhabiting our promise land.

One example being after I got home from that amazing class at church, our family car broke down in the driveway! What are the odds, right? But the situation didn’t shake me like it would have in the past. After all God had been revealing to me, I was too pumped at the prospect of watching God work a miracle with my car. And later that night, He fixed it!

In this new place, we are claiming and witnessing victory, but also marching around the same city over and over again while waiting for the walls to drop. When is the outcome complete? When does the final finish line appear? I know one answer to that would be when I take my last breath, but I think on a more micro level, what my soul really longs for is rest. Rest from the noise. Rest from the constant battle. Sometimes life can feel like one thing after the next, “sunrise to sunset”. As Solomon puts it in Ecclesiastes 1,

“Meaningless, meaningless! Everything is meaningless!”

Solomon describes life on earth, and how minute and temporary all of our tasks are in the grand scheme of things. “What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? (Ecclesiastes 1:2 ESV)” Then later he says that everything we do under the sun is “meaningless and a striving after the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:14 ESV)”.

We all have that inner knowledge that there is something more. And there is, right? What is the point of life if everything we do is meaningless? It can all feel so hopeless, and that is why the world we live in today is plagued with hopeless people. My past self included. Of course, life is only meaningless when we are striving to find something that has already been given to us, or attempting to pay a debt that has already been paid. The truth being that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:4) and He has everything we need. Anything outside of Jesus really is vanity. No success ladder or tower of Babel will give us the gift of the abundant, meaningful life that is found only in Jesus. It is so easy to lose sight on what we are really doing here on this planet-experiencing intimacy with Christ and intimacy with people. Relationship.

That is why the special moment of rest on a spontaneous road trip with my husband was so critical. It plunged us into further intimacy with Jesus which in return took us deeper with each other. And my favorite part of all, we were reminded of the call from Christ to lay hold of that which He has laid hold of for us.

“But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.” (Philippians‬ ‭3:7-12‬ ‭NKJV)

There is more to life, an abundant life found in Jesus. We have access to it all, and we can only appreciate it all in our moments of pausing and resting. So mom’s, lock yourself in the bathroom today and just breathe for a few minutes. Take a random road trip with your family, soak up the scenery, and search for animals in the clouds. Put your phone down, close your eyes, and hum along to the heart beat of silence. Rest in Jesus is important. Prioritize it and you will thrive in it.

I just started a phenomenal new book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace: awakening your soul to rest by Bonnie Gray. This book goes into detail on the rest that we all need! You can start your journey to rest in Christ through this book by purchasing your copy here !

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